How to Join an Existing Group

Tuckman's 5 Stages of Group Formation - Forming - Storming - Norming - Performing - Adjourning are well-known.

But how does one get inside a group? What are the stages of joining a group?

Stage 1: At this stage, one or perhaps two members of the group know you. If they like you, you are invited if there are places to fill and someone is needed. Example: Stuart in 'The Big Bang Theory'.

Stage 2: At this stage, you are invited, but your absence leaves a void the size of a pailful of water from the river. In short, your company is enjoyed, but your absence is not particularly missed.

Stage 3: At this stage, plans are made keeping your calendar constraints in mind. If you don't turn up, it doesn't feel like 'fun' to others. You are missed.

How does one move from Stage 1 to Stage 3? It is as simple as 1-2-3.

> Pay Attention
Pay attention to people. Listen. Understand them. Truly. They are humans. Before acting, watch and understand the group norms, communication style, and patterns.

> Show Up
Showing up is 50% of the work done. Just showing up is very important. Make time for this group. Make them a priority.

> Be Consistent and Be You
To get into the group might take initiative and action, but to remain takes just - honesty, and consistency.

That day to remain forever grateful for!

What a wonderful, magical day this was! 

First, we played Board games from 2 to 5 pm. 

Then, I went for a concert hosted by Mike and Jyotsna ji. It was on Raj Kapoor, and who doesnt love Raj Kapoor! 

There, I realised that I don't know anyone! 

Suddenly, while trying to fit it in the pre concert chai pakoda session, I saw a gorgeous lady sitting in a chair. Her face was very, very familiar, and I asked, "Have I seen you at one of the gatherings at their house?" 

She said, "You must have. I am always there." 

We laughed about that, and then I asked her the way to the auditorium and confessed that I can't find anyone familiar. She was kind enough to say, "If you want, I can walk with you to the auditorium after finishing my chai." How wonderful of her to offer that! 

So, I sat next to her as she finished her chai and we started talking generally. Ridgewood (the condo we live in) came up, and she said, "I used to live in Ridgewood too, A Block only. 10th floor." 

That's when a light bulb went off in my head and I realised where I might have seen her earlier. 

"Were you in Ridgewood in 2007?" 

She thought back for a while and said, "Yes, we were. We were there till 2008." 

My whole self changed in that moment. 

Why? 

The day I brought Ishaan home and got off the car, near the lift, were two very sweet ladies. They saw the swaddled up baby and asked, "Are you just coming back from the hospital? Did you just have that baby and are bringing him home for the first time?" 

I said, "Yes" 

And the LOVE that those two ladies showered on the baby and me in that brief lift ride from ground to fifth floor! 

They gushed over the baby, congratulated me so sweetly, and there was just so much celebration on their face! 

********************** 

I never saw those two ladies again, but in recent months, my thoughts would go to them very often, and I would sit and wonder, "I never met them again. I never could thank them and tell them how much their kindness meant to me that day. " 

She was one of those two ladies! 

And today again, she noticed that I was alone and just invited me to join her and her husband in the concert. That kind of kindness is all I want in life. When I grow old also, the one thing I want is to have this much love and kindness in the heart - to extend without even thinking. 

*************** 

And then, as if that was not enough to completely fill my heart, there was another miracle waiting to happen on the same day! 

Today was also a pooja at Upasana ji's house which i had to miss because I had committed to the concert a month ago and the times clashed completely! 

However, as dinner started, Upasana ji told Charu that I had ditched the event. Charu messaged me to say, "Upasana ji is missing you. Come." 

So, I went. 

My friend, Upsana ji, was looking gorgeous in red! 

There, Charu and I met Upasana ji and she kindly forgave me for coming late. 

Then, Charu asked me to grab a bite. i was feeling strange about that, having missed the pooja and all, but she insisted. 

As I got to the table, the second magic unfolded, "Are you.... aap.. Chitra ji ho na?" 

The lady looked at me, no sign of memory on her face, but she acknowledged that she really was Chitra ji. 

Chitra ji... I have been looking for you for so many years!!! Remember you gave me a tray when I was leaving for Bangalore? That tray is still in my house, and every day, I look at that tray and think, I have to find Chitra ji and thank her for taking care of me in that first year of work. 

She then recognised me - from 22 years ago. And we had a super emotional reunion. 

In that first year of work, my role required me to improve the employer ranking of HCL Tech at all top MBA campuses of India. Part of that work was internal co ordination with other HCL Tech offices spread all over the country. I had 110% independence and bosses who really, really indulged my absolutely idiotic, stoooopid ideas and allowed me to execute them. 

And Chitra ji was my rock through it all. She was there to love, to feed, to guide, to gently handhold, to help with the right contacts, to open a few doors, and teach more than just a few lessons. I grew really close to her. 

At the end of one year, I got a very good placement in the Bangalore office. Chitra ji was kind enough to gift me a tray and a lovely box as a parting gift. 

Unfortuately, I lost her number and at least for the last 5-6 years, had been looking for her. My goodness! What a day! She tells me she is very active on Facebook. :) So am I. 

Empower Journalists 4th batch Bias session

Sunday mornings are best spent doing something one loves. 

This Sunday, it was taking a session on bias for our young journalists. 

Usually, participants enter the bias session sleepy eyed (Sunday morning and all that) and leave rather wide-eyed. 

But on this particular Sunday, it was the kids who made my day. 

Our children, dear peers, have far less bias and stereotyping in their heads than we do. 

On the gender stereotyping questions, for the first time, the kids did NOT imagine that a nurse is necessarily female, nor that a person who has to leave office to pick up kids is necessarily a woman. 

But it gets even better. One of the games in class is Bias Bingo - in which we read out common biases among children - like favouring a tall person as the group leader, etc. There were 24 entries, and the children had to mark their Bingo ticket for each bias that they have demonstrated. The top score in class was 10/24, and the average score was 7/24! 

Let me explain the importance of this - these children have NOT felt that they would be friends with someone because they are a celebrity, or that they would think that a fat friend is lazy, or that a tall person should be the group leader, or is smarter than others, without any evidence to back that perception. 

These 24 biases are well established global perception biases. Our usual scores are about 18-20, and the kids end this game with sheepish grins, realising how much bias they demonstrate in their daily lives. 

This is the first time we have experienced such a low level of inherent bias. 

I think, in a very small way, I witnessed something big yesterday. 

Also listed at BooksAMillion.com!

 https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Nidhi-Arora/9798890026521

Amazing, isn't it! 

One more listing for the book!

https://tertulia.com/book/probe8-8-modern-mysteries-of-detective-fiction-nidhi-arora/9798890026521

Today, the book was listed by one more store in the US, and this time, it is IN STOCK! :) 

The book was also listed on Goodreads by their librarians! I am so, so happy! 

How NOT to write an invitation email to an Advisory board Member

Some days ago, I agreed to be on the Advisory Board of a start-up working in the disability space. I offered to do this pro-bono because this work is linked to Esha and the cause I stand for. 

I asked them to send me an invitation email and I would accept it to formalise the connection. 

Today, I got the formal invitation email. This, dear friends, is being recorded as the ultimate example of how NOT to write an invitation email to a member of the Advisory Board or Panel. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present: 

************

Dear Nidhi Arora,

 We at ******** are impressed with your expertise in the field and would like to invite you to be an Advisor on Product & User Acquisition. Your roles and responsibilities would include helping *******  with user acquisition / engagement,making contact with us to test the product pipeline - hardware and software, as well as introducing us to key people in the ecosystem.

We believe your knowledge and experience would be valuable in making our product better for use cases for the visually impaired. Please let us know your thoughts on the proposal and if you're interested, we would be honored to have you on board.

 Looking forward to hearing from you.

 Warm regards

 --

<Formal Signature of the Founder> 

**************** 

The case for NO REMINDERS

At TCP, the news articles are written by teenagers. 

They send in content whenever they can. 

We are, and always have been, a no-reminder culture. 

You get no reminders. If you don't send in your work on time, it does not get published, that's all. 

At Esha, we are a no reminders place. If you are a summer volunteer and don't send in your work by Friday 1700 hours IST, you are rolled over to the next week. 

At both places, one is expected to note and manage their calendar and deadlines. 

Why did we decide to do this? 

Because I believe that reminders have crippled our ability to manage our own calendars. 

Also, because reminders are irritating. 

So, we decided to do away with them. 

How has that worked out? 

Phenomenally well. 

The reminder to send a reminder was weighing us down too. 

Now, there is total peace. We trust that the person will send what they have to send before the deadline. So, there are no last hour palpitations at all. 

If they don't come, we just merrily go on. 

Its all very well in non-critical roles. But what about critical roles? 

As a PM for more than a decade, I have never given reminders to any member of the team. Their deadlines were always their responsibility. 

And it worked very well. Half the stress of my team was gone. By the way, our on schedule record was over 90%. My teams rarely ran late on deliverables. There were multiple factors responsible for that (perhaps another post for that), but this also, I think, led to massive reduction in stress all around. 

That is why, when setting the culture of TCP, we started with NO REMINDERS. 

Try it. I can assure you, its very productive.